By: Joshua Shepherd and Rickie Houston
When we discuss fatherhood today, we’re not just talking about changing diapers, providing financially, or ensuring the car seat is installed correctly. We’re talking about identity, legacy, and healing. We’re talking about breaking cycles we didn’t create and building something better in their place. We also know we’re not alone, as a recent report from the Pew Research Center found that eighty-five percent of fathers with children under 18 say that parenthood is central to their identity—24% call it the most important part of who they are, while 61% say it’s one of the most important.
As two Black men raising children in two very different generations, we’ve experienced how much fatherhood has changed, and how much it still needs to. Joshua is a new dad, raising a toddler daughter in today’s digital, gender-expansive world. Rickie is a father of two grown children, now learning how to parent adult kids with empathy, accountability, and grace. While their perspectives differ, their commitments align.
Fatherhood has made them both better men, and it’s taught them lessons they hope to pass on. They’ve collectively shared, “We’re still learning. We’re still growing. But we’re committed to showing up every day, as fathers, as men, and as students of love.”
Joshua: I’m a New Dad, But I’m Also Becoming a New Me
Nothing could have prepared me for the transformation that came with becoming Léora’s dad. She’s just over a year old, but in that time, I’ve had to reevaluate how I was raised and intentionally decide what I want to carry forward and what I want to leave behind.
My father was a military man and a minister. He worked constantly, and while I felt his love, it wasn’t always vocalized. That’s something I’m doing differently. I tell Léora I love her every single day. I don’t want her to ever question it. I’m embracing not just the role of provider and protector, but also nurturer, comforter, and listener.
There’s so much advice out there about parenting, but what I’m learning is that showing up with your whole heart, willing to grow, to apologize, and to evolve, is more potent than any rulebook. I’m not trying to be perfect. I’m just trying to be fully present.
Rickie: My Kids Are Adults Now, And I’m Still Growing as Their Father
My parenting journey began decades ago, in a time when fatherhood was defined by how hard you worked and how much you provided. I grew up in a home where love was abundant. My father worked a lot on the farm, under a car, or at church. Although he was the scout leader for our Boy Scout Troop, his busy schedule often prevented him from attending many of my other extracurricular activities. However, he never made me question the fact that he loved me. He had his way of showing up for me and my siblings, and it’s something that I am still grateful for.
As a result, I made a promise to myself to show up for my kids in every way I could. I coached teams, attended practices, and never let a phone call end without saying, “I love you.” That small phrase changed our family’s culture. Now that my children are grown, I’m still figuring it out. Parenting adult kids is a different kind of work, one that requires just as much intention. But I’m grateful for the evolution, and I’m committed to staying in it.
The “Man Box” Stops With Us
Rickie: I used to push my son to fit into “The Man Box” and do the things my father encouraged me to do, like fix cars and lean into confidence. And I regret that. He didn’t want to fix things. But my daughter was the one who enjoyed watching and helping me fix things. So eventually, I bought her a toolbox. Today, she lives across the country, and she still calls me to walk her through repairs. Letting go of rigid gender roles allowed her to become her whole self. I wish I had been more vulnerable with my son and led by example of how to break out of that “Man Box.”
Joshua: My daughter is still small, but I already know I don’t want her to feel boxed in. Whether she wants to hoop like Kobe or be a landscape designer, I’ll support her. But that means I have to do the work, too, to unlearn, to listen, and to stay open to who she’s becoming. That’s what fatherhood is, and I know I’m not alone. According to the Institute for Family Studies, on average, fathers in the U.S. now spend 7.8 hours each week caring for their children at home. This is a full hour more than they did just twenty years ago.
Our Work Is Personal
Rickie: When we lead trainings on healthy manhood, we’re not speaking in theory. We’re thinking about our daughters. About our sisters. About our wives and nieces. We know that the violence so many women and girls face is often at the hands of men. And as men, we have a responsibility to do better.
Joshua: This work is even more urgent for me now. I look at Léora, and I want a world that makes space for her voice, her choices, her safety, her freedom. Our daughters and our sons deserve a new model of manhood. And it starts with us.
What Fatherhood Taught Us
Rickie: Becoming a dad made me accountable in a whole new way. Every decision I made, how I handled conflict, how I treated people, how I took care of myself, was now about more than just me. I had two lives in my hands. I didn’t want to just raise kids. I wanted to raise kind, whole, emotionally healthy people. And that required me to become one, too.
Joshua: When I found out my partner was pregnant, it felt like a spiritual shift. I had to reorient my life around something bigger than myself. Léora made me want to level up, not just for her, but for me. Becoming her father motivates me to heal, to grow, to inspire, and to continue walking in my purpose.
Actionable Takeaways for Fathers and Father Figures:
- Be vocal with your love. Don’t assume your child knows. Say it. Show it. Model it.
- Presence is everything. Being physically and emotionally present builds lifelong trust.
- Challenge “The Man Box:” Your children deserve more than outdated gender roles. Let them be their authentic selves, and let yourself evolve too.
- Keep learning. Whether your child is 15 months or 35 years old, parenting never stops. Stay open to feedback, healing, and change.
- Model the respect you expect. When raising children, teach by example. That’s where real transformation begins.